An Apology to Myself...

Blog Every Day in May

Day 13, Monday: Issue a public apology.

 

 

Alright, so today I'm going to go a little bit deep here. maybe.

 

 

I would like to say that I am sorry to myself.

I have, for my whole life, put myself down on a daily basis... multiple times... I was taught how to do it young, by the people closest to me, and it is so hard to stop myself now. I am sorry for my constant nagging. My constant comparing. For saying "I am not good enough," "I am not pretty enough," "I am not worth it."

 

I am sorry for all the horrible things I have done to myself to try and make me something I couldn't, and shouldn't be. I have not been healthy, both in mind and in body. But I promise now to try so much harder to say good things. To eat good things. To believe good things about who I am. I promise to become comfortable with the person that I am, and to not be ashamed of myself any longer. I cannot change the things that happened to me, I cannot change the things I have done, but I can change the way in which I view myself from now on. For the sake of myself, my daughter, and my husband, I have begun the process of becoming a better, more confident, more healthy me. I will begin to forgive myself for the hateful way in which I have looked in the mirror, and the unkind words said in my mind, and on my lips. I WILL become me without fear or shame for who me is...

I am a strong, capable woman. One who does not fear much, willing to go down fighting. I live a life full of adventure and wonder. I am a mom. I am a good mom. I am beautiful. I have a husband who adores me. I am more than what I appear. I will remind myself this every day until I believe it.

Sorry to the girl who has had to endure my deplorable thoughts.

 

***I have recently become aware of the way in which I speak to myself. It is not healthy, it is not nice. I have begun changing the way I look in the mirror, and how I see me. It is small changes that I am making, but they are helping. I hope that if you suffer from the same meanness to yourself that this will really make you think about how you THINK about yourself.

I really love how I've been styling my hair recently... Probably one of my favorite styles yet. Wednesday I am getting it cut, so we'll see what happens then!

 

 

 

 

Welcome to My Version of Life

 

 

 

 

 



An Empty Bed and A Continent Apart

Blog Every Day In May

 

Day 12, Sunday: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)

 

Right now. This second.

 

I miss my husband. I am relishing in getting to reconnect with people, friends, especially family, but
my husband is so much a part of my life that being away from him is difficult. I know this time apart is less than a deployment (more of a TDY, for those military folk out there.) But I find being a single mom in an area I don't really fit into anymore, living out of a suitcase, to be kind of difficult. Family has been so helpful, and friends more than accommodating (I mean for goodness sake, my girlfriend Kari changed Rhapsody's diaper twice when I was visiting her and I didn't even notice!) But I feel the strain of being without the one person I feel completely comfortable going "Here, take this, I need a break!" I also just miss my husband for wifely reasons. For the feel of the extra body in bed with me. For the driving partner. For the conversation and complete openness that we have with each other. I mean seriously gals (and guys, if there are any guys reading this) I hit the JACKPOT with a Mr. King!!

 

In General. As in, normally.

 

I miss my family and close friends alot (hence the reason I decided to trek across an ocean AND continent to see them!) Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE living in England, and being a military wife (I mean I get to see the world, who wouldn't like that!). And it would probably drive me insane to live too near all my family for too long, but being so far away is very difficult sometimes. It is incredible to be here now, visiting with everyone. Especially with Rhapsody, it is fantastic to see how people respond to her cheerfulness, excitability, and overall exuberance in life. I feel like people are beginning to understand why exactly it is that I am just so in love with my child; why I feel so content with her. She is my little bouncing ball of sunshine, just like her daddy.

 

And now, enjoy some past, and recent pictures from my iPhone (seriously, I need to get a better camera...)

Probably my most favourite awkward family photo...

Rhapsody just loves her daddy... Every time we Facetime she grabs the phone and tries touching and kissing his face. It is both adorable and heart wrenching to watch her reaction to being unable to get her daddy.

I think she is my child...

It was amazing getting to finally catch up with my friend Kari. A woman who has been so much to me in my life. I finally got to meet her two kiddo's, and her mine. Even across continents we have been able to encourage and be there for each other. Still, our first hug was like a breath of fresh air. I hadn't realized how much I truly missed her until I was with her again.

This is a picture I got the morning after Rhapsody was born. Words cannot explain the love.

Ann, my step-mom, is helping Rhapsody walk. It makes my heart smile to see how much Ann simply adores and loves my child. She is an amazing Grandma and woman. I am so grateful to have become apart of Ann's life.



Rhapsody and my father. My dad is one of those "tough guys," but he definitely has a soft spot for my little girl!

 



Welcome To My Version of Life

 



Embarrassed? Hardly. Just A Day In The Life...

Blog Every Day In May

 

"Day 10, Friday: Most embarrassing moment (s). Spill."

 

 

 

Today's subject is surprisingly difficult for me... Not because I don't get embarrassed. Trust me, I consistently put myself into situations that are more than embarrassing. It is pretty much a daily occurance for me to trip, fall, run into things, spill, and have some sort of food in my hair... More times than I care to remember I have put my foot in my mouth quite firmly, leaving my cheeks a scorching red. However, thinking back on those 'moments' in my life, none truly embarrassing or horrible come to mind. I have always had a mentality of "Just get over it!" I trip over absolutely nothing when standing still... I dump coffee down the front of my shirt... I show my blonde regularly... I even walk into brick walls... It is just part of my life. Now, if you were to share an embarrassing story, I would have one to match or share, but I can't actually think of my 'most embarrassing moment.' I'm sure my friends could for me though!!

 

Despite my lack of a 'most embarassing' moment, I will share a moment in which I was embarrassed in front of ALOT of people.

 

So senior year of high school I had alot happen to me. I identified with a song by Superchick called "Beauty from Pain." It's all about how God will get you through your trials and you will come out more beautiful because of the pain. I practised the song for days. Knew it by heart. But then, in front of my whole school... I forgot the second verse... Music playing and I forgot the verse! I'm not a particularly confident (or good) singer, and this was just the ultimate of embarrassing!! Immediately when I was done singing I had another act, narrating a story/play my friends and I had written. I may have redeemed myself here, but who really cares? Or remembers! Probably no one from my high school will remember the girl who screwed up the song she was singing in front of everyone, and if they do, oh well! That's their problem. Not like I can change it now! And this is how I live my life. Just moving forward, one happy oblivious girl, running around having some fantastic adventures with some craziness and embarrassment mixed in between (I'm pretty sure that at this point half of England has seen my breasts while breast feeding, what else could happen?)

 

Welcome to My Version of Life...

 

 

 

 

Precious Moments

Blog Every Day In May

 

"Day 9, Thursday: A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)"

 

 

I wasn't even thinking about today's blog when I started off my morning (pretty early morning for a jet lagged, late to bed momma!) Today was a day of excitement and joy. I got to reunite with with my mother, brother, and in-laws for the first time in two years!! I did manage to get a couple pictures today. None that are artsy, or amazing, just family with the baby they got to meet for the first time! (with the exception of the in-laws, who got to meet her at two weeks old!)

I love this drive down Panther Branch...

Her Grandma was so happy to see her! My mom got to see her birth through Skype, but this is the first time she got to hold her! 

Her Grandpa (Richard's dad) just loves her so much! GiGi wouldn't let me get a picture of them together!

Welcome to My Version of Life...

 

My Advice? You Got This!!

Blog Every Day In May

Day 8, Wednesday: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all.

So I'm doing this a day late because I was travelling all yesterday (whoot!) I made the LOOONG flight from Seattle, Washington to Atlanta, Georgia. Complete with a layover in Midway. My little Rhapsody did amazingly. More amazingly than I could ever have expected, in fact. So today (or yesterday's) blog is all about my baby. Or more specifically, your baby!

One thing I have learnt over these past 19 months of motherhood (and I say 19, because I believe motherhood begins the moment you become pregnant) is that not everyone's good advice is, well, good advice FOR YOU. Some advice works really well for some people, but not quite so well with others. I say all this, because my advice to you may not work for your family or your baby, but I hope that my words can give inspiration and thought to the way in which you think about your child.

Let your baby do their thing, whatever their thing may be! Don't stress about it, you and your baby will figure this out, whatever this is.

As a mom I am told what to do, how to do it, and how often I should do it. The one thing I have learned is that if I just let my baby do her thing, there is so much less stress in my life. If Rhapsody wants a cuddle, I give her a cuddle. If she wants a diaper change, I surely change that diaper. She didn't want baby food, I researched and found a better way to introduce food to her. She didn't want to lay on her back in the bath, I found a seat for her. She wants to crawl, and play unhindered of mommy, I taught her the meaning of "No," and let her do her thing when it wasn't about to harm her or my doggies. I just let Rhapsody tell me how I should take care of her. And tell me she does. I just take the time to observe her, and she knows me (afterall, I did bring her into this world).

Don't stress. It has become my motto. I was so worried about this flight across the country. We would be confined to our seats on the plane. Rhapsody does NOT like confinement one bit. She likes FREEEDOM! She wants to crawl, walk, and happily scream at you. And that's exactly what I did on the plane. On our first flight, 4 hours long, we walked up and down the aisles, her holding onto my fingers until she decided she wanted to crawl (and get into peoples bags!) The flight attendants learned her name, and she gave everyone a smile on the plane with her happy bouncy and drooly smile. I didn't stress, and Rhapsody got exactly what she needed! She even took a little nap after such a long parade across the aisles! After the flight everyone kept saying how they couldn't believe how well she did. At Midway we got some food, and I let Rhaps roam free in the terminal. Then she took a nap most of the next flight until we landed in Atlanta! As far as trips go this one was pretty good for flights! No screaming, angry babies, or crazy haired momma's. All because I didn't stress. We just worked this out.

You do what you need to do to be a good momma, and you will be a GOOD momma! My dear friend Kari said something similar to me once and I carry it with me every day.



Welcome to My Version of Life

All You Need Is Love... to Fear

Blog Every Day In May

Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of?

I find this to be such a loaded question... Being a military wife I am afraid of a lot of things: deployments, terrorism, being alone. However, My greatest fear is losing my daughter. I believe this is every parent's fear. You don't fully understand love until you have a baby, not the undeniable, all consuming love that rushes in at that first sight of your perfect angel. I can barely read stories of babies whose parents harmed them, or who were killed by an unforeseen disease. It is absolutely heartbreaking, and end up in tears and the desire to hold my child that much closer...

My second greatest fear is losing my husband. He truly is my best friend. The one person who absolutely gets me. He is the most encouraging, loving, truthful, and strong person in my life. He has been there for all my craziness and troubles, and still manages to love me! Honestly, the man had to deal with so much crap from me, but still maintains that I am the best thing to ever fall into his life (more like forced my big headed self into!)

I am sure that a lot of people who are partaking in today's challenge are going to say the same thing, and for some reason this makes my heart smile. Not that people fear, but that people love so much that they fear the loss of the one they love. How fantastic that even in this broken world we can love with all our being that it is what we fear most...

Welcome to My Version of Life

What Do You Do?

Day 6 of Blog Every Day In May! "If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question 'what do you do?'"

So one of my favourite bloggers, and a dear friend, has been partaking in a challenge: Blog Every Day in May and I thought, "What the hay! I'm travelling, surely I can pluck out a bit of time each day to blog!" So today I am starting on day 6 (Revenge of the Sixth, anyone?), but will be attempting to make up the first five that I missed!

So here day Six goes!!

What I do... Well I guess it depends on who you are as to what I do. If you're my husband, I take care of our beautiful daughter and fearlessly clean the house daily. If you're my daughter, well you're 10 months old so I do everything for you, and I love it! If you are my friend, I make you dinner and drink lots of coffee with you... And talk. A lot. If you're my church, I play bass, handle half the treasurer responsibilities, make slides (when no one else does), and fill in wherever necessary (sometimes a little too much), and I'm definitely one of the prettiest faces of our band (aside from the other female singer!).  All of those things I love, and I do, and I want to do (most of the time!)

What I truly want to do, what I hope to do, is be me. Sooooo cliche, I know. But it's so true as well! So here for a minute I'm going to share what I want to do, not necessarily what I do.

I want to go on a missions trip. I have had this on my heart for a little over a year now, and it WILL happen

I want to become a crocheting and crafting queen! I'm already pretty good, but I love doing it.

I want to be a traveling, blogging, wife-ing, and mom-ing extraordinare! I love traveling, and my family, now to make sure I get the right mix!

I want to become a better bass player and singer. Practice practice practice, right!?

I want to become a better ME!

Welcome to My Version of Life...