Being a parent is a tough job. Everyone knows it! Some fail pretty horribly at it. Some get a passing grade.
I grew up in a family where my parent's pretty much failed. There are other posts on this blog and over at A Victim No More that share a bit of their failure if you're interested, but that's not why I'm writing today.
I had a revelation the other morning, after I had dropped my daughter off at school. I got to thinking about being a parent. Rhapsody is a wonderful three year old little girl who is full of spunk, and sass, and joy, and hard-headedness. Yes. I know. She gets it from me, and I love it! Given her three short years of life, you would think that I would, as a parent, feel like I had done nothing wrong - so far - to "mess her up" in adulthood. Wrong. As I was driving to the store, all I could think about was whether or not I had used too harsh of a word with her, whether I had upset her irreparably, whether I had failed her as a mom. We like to tease Rhaps (my husband and I) and we hope to raise a resilient and strong child; but, as an abuse survivor, I sometimes worry that my own lack of a normal childhood has left me completely incapable of raising my child lovingly... I have had to apologize to my beautiful three year old for being too mean to her. For losing my anger and shouting. For being a bad mom. And I love Rhapsody so much. So in my car, I began to fret, and worry, and feel sick about being a bad mom who was ruining her child. Then, it came to me, clear as day. The bible puts it so plainly. God needs broken people. He heals broken people. He uses broken people. I cannot possibly give Rhapsody everything she desires, all the love she needs, and thank goodness I can't. Because if I could, then she wouldn't need Jesus.
The Psalms are full of the brokeness of men followed by the love of God. A few examples:
Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit"
Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
That isn't saying that I am allowed to treat my child in a way that is abusive or mean, but simply that God gives me the Grace to fail. And then the even bigger responsibility of apologizing to my small, three year old child when I do fail. My mind came to these two scriptures as I was driving,
James 4:6 "He gives more grace. Therefore it says, 'God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.'"
James 5:16 "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working."
Sidenote: I LOVE the book of James. Give it a read if you haven't...
You see, I cannot possibly be a perfect parent. "There is no one righteous, no not one..." I am a human raising another human, and as I like to say: humans kind of suck. It is my responsibility as a parent to try and raise Rhapsody the best way I can. To follow what God has set before me. To teach her to see the world for all it can be. To lead her in love, and yes, to discipline her when needed. And when I fail when I get to angry, when I shout, when the mean mommy rears her ugly head, I have to pause, pray, and apologize. Rhapsody needs to see me fail. Needs to see how I handle issues. How I can be humble and still strong. How I rely on the grace and forgiveness of God to continue on day to day even when it is tough. How I can ask for forgiveness from those that I harm.
Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." Now let's replace he with she, and it is perfect!
I am a broken parent. And that is okay. It is in my brokenness that I find the need for Jesus. My child will also have to one day be broken to a place where she needs Jesus too. I don't have to be perfect. And neither does my child.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God!"
- 1 John 3:1
